Interview with a Daltonius

Recently, I had the unique opportunity to interview my arch nemessis , Daltonius, at his place of residence, which happens to be a disused septic tank with a T1 line in Fresno.

Allow me to describe his living situation. It's big for a septic tank, probably because it used to be the final resting place for all the excrement produced at the local fair grounds. Now it's been abandoned in a cow pasture and emptied... mostly. A colony of brightly colored mold with a Daltonius shaped imprint presents itself as where he must bed down for the night. A large mound of petrified clown-stool, juxtaposed next to a lump of hardened remains that once must have been funnel cake, serve as a desk and chair. A laptop is perched quaintly on top of the shit-desk. Surely, I think to myself, this is where the magic happens. There's not much to be seen in the way of decoration, save for a pink lawn flamingo which he appears to have stabbed through a corroded portion of the tank's floor.

When I arrive, donned appropriately in my Haz-Mat suit, I find him preoccupied.

Olivonius: Uh, hello Daltonius, thanks for having me today, what... exactly are you trying to do here?

Daltonius: Trying to catch flies between my butt cheeks. You know, like Mr. Miagi in The Karate Kid, remember?

O: Er, I don't think Mr. Miagi's fly trick involved his butt cheeks-

D: You know, Arthur, why don't you go suck a cock?

An awkward silence ensues while Daltonius stares at me unblinkingly, his petulant expression clearly one of a man who licks the walls of his "humble abode" for nutrients.

O: Arthur? Who's Arth-

D: SHUT UP! GOD! You're Arthur!

O: What? I...

D: Arthur, you know, that fucking anteater kid in the books we read in gradeschool. The one with the huge glasses that took up half his face. God, what a pussy. Always bitching about something. I'm calling you Arthur because you remind me of him.

O: I see. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

D: Fine, God, whatever. Shoot.

O: What do you do when you're not blogging it up? Everyone wants to know what Daltonius does in his free time.

D: I mostly read CNN and molest this plastic flamingo. If I'm feeling like living it up, I run a Google search for jokes about child molestation. Vans+Candy and Puppies=Hilarious!

O: Interesting. Has anyone ever-

D: Go suck a cock, by the way.

O: I believe we already covered that.

D: Whatever, I hate you. Freaking midget.

I observe at this point that Daltonius is three inches taller than me. I decide to resume the interview as though this rich exchange has never happened.

O: Has anyone ever told you you're the spitting image of Al Bundy, except with a worse attitude and covered in year old carnival feces?

D: Has anyone ever told you to go suck a cock?

O: As a matter of fact-

D: Go suck a cock.

I realize that I've come as far as I could ever have hoped, and decide to rap up the interview.

O: It's been a pleasure talking to you. Let's do this again real soon.

D: Fine. You're gay. Bye.

I turn to leave and step outside. Just before I step out of earshot, I hear him offering "free refills" to the plastic pink flamingo. I don't understand, but then again, I realize that I really don't want to.