The Green Fairy

A Letter to Vice President Biden

I was bored and supposed to be studying, so instead I went to the White House's website and found that I could email our Vice President. Couldn't get to Barry though. I guess one of the major differences between the President and the Vice President is that the VP has time to answer every single email he gets through the "Contact Us" page of whitehouse.gov.

Dear Mr. Biden,

I was wondering if you could house sit my cat next week while I vacation in Cabo. I voted for your administration, so I assume a little cat sitting on your part would only be fair and neighborly. Twister is a very agreeable fellow and he's one of the most hypoallergenic felines I have ever encountered, so it shouldn't be a problem. Here are some tips for handling him:

1.) Maintaining a diet of high quality cat food will help keep shedding to a minimum. I'm sure any brand with the vice-presidential seal on it has got to be great, but if you could score some of the real good shit off your boss, that would be preferable.

2.) Twister does NOT like clay based litter. It appears to exacerbate his irritable bowel syndrome. Please, Mr. Biden, for the sake of Twister's well being as well as yours, only supply him with the silica gel variety. I wouldn't want cat diarrhea splattered all over some crucial piece of health care legislation.

3.) When being X-Rayed for security threats upon his arrival, Twister does not like to be exposed to over 50 roentgens of radiation. This also exacerbates his irritable bowel syndrome, and on top of that it makes him cranky and he usually throws up a lot. I assure you that aside from the occasional intestinal parasite, Twister is on the level.

4.) Twister has not been neutered and as such should probably be kept away from any female cats in heat. Then again, it would be fun to tell friends that my Twister is sire to a litter of Presidential kittens! Seriously, though, keep him away from any female cats... he's quite the rough rider. Not pretty.

5.) There were some issues when the previous administration took care of Twister, and I believe I should bring them to your attention lest they be repeated: First off, please do not feed Twister any pretzels. They present a major choking hazard for him. Also, please refrain from putting him in the microwave to “dry off” like your predecessor, Mr. Cheney.

I'll be by shortly to drop him off, thanks again!

A Tale of Redemption and the Triumph of the Human Spirit

Allow me to impart an age old tale of wisdom upon you. This story has taken many forms, and the version I am about to tell has been adapted to a modern setting. Nonetheless, the message remains the same.

A young man was driving through the famously convoluted streets of San Francisco, trying to find the freeway. He and his one passenger, a friend of his, had grown quite weary in the process. Eventually he came upon a sign that pointed him towards an on ramp, which he almost missed because there was a large shrub growing in front of it.

In frustration, the young wayward soul did proclaim, "Somebody oughta tell the feminists who run this town to shave back that bush!"

To which his friend replied, "You are truly an awful person."

And you know what? The person who was driving that car on that fateful day... was me.

THE END

....

But really now, was that so bad? I mean, on the scale of awfulness, what I said couldn't have been too terrible, right? Imagine what Hitler would have said if he was driving down the street and saw a Jewish guy standing in front of that sign. That's right, he would probably have told a very crude and lowbrow holocaust joke! Terrible.

You see? Hitler... now there's a nasty guy. I'm certainly not as bad as he was.

Look, I'm a class act all the way. Everything about me just reeks of good taste. Example: When I pee in the shower, I always take care not to hit any of my roommates shampoo bottles or bars of soap. Admittedly, if I happen to be jerkin' the gerkin' in the same setting, I have considerably less control over where the ordinance lands. But really, that's just nature. And nature is beautiful. Case closed.

See, right there I could have made a joke about misguided ordinance in Iraq, but I didn't. Actually, I did, but then I erased it and wrote this instead.

Harvard Study Shows 85% of Individuals Who Arbitrarily Refer to People as "That Fool" Are Actually Fools Themselves

A recent study from Harvard's Behavioral Science department indicates that as many as 85.6% of individuals who frequently refer to friends and acquaintances arbitrarily as "that fool" are actually fools themselves. The study, which involved a group of participants aged between 18 and 25, recorded test subjects in daily conversation and found that those who made statements such as "Look at that fool's new haircut," and "That fool is stopping for gas" suffer from significant mental impairment.

"Science is rarely so ironic," said researcher Dr. Dale Bennings, "But all the evidence is there."

The news seems to confirm what was once thought to be mere conventional wisdom in the past. Precursors to this newly confirmed scientific fact can be traced as far back as 1977, when Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi asked audiences in the blockbuster film, Star Wars, "Who's the more foolish? The fool, or the twenty-something year old dumb ass who randomly refers to people as fools with no apparent justification?"

Similar research suggests that a correlation also exists between the presence of extra chromosomes and the use of "fuckin'..." followed by a long pause in the middle of sentences.

What is Poetry? (A Poem)

Poetry is...

Poetry... is...

....Poetry is-

Poetry! Is...

... is poetry?

Poetry,
is
Poetry...
...is

Poe,
...et.

tree is!


Puh
OH!!!
Et-tuh-tuh-tuh-tatatatatatatatat

tree is...

p
o
e
t
r
y
is

FUCK

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China's Great Wall No Longer a Useful Military Asset, UN Report States

A UN report describing the defensive abilities of the world's most powerful nations contained startling news regarding the feasibility of China's Great Wall as a defensive asset against hostile militaries.

"In 500 BC, the wall probably provided at least some tactical defensive advantage to China," said Marvin Bates, the UN's chief world military analyst, "however, in the face of modern technology, the relevance of the Great Wall as a defensive measure has become severely limited."

Such hi-tech military equipment includes airplanes and cruise missiles, which can utilize their flying abilities to pass several miles above the wall, as well as modern high explosives, which can breach the wall by releasing massive bursts of destructive kinetic energy. Bulldozers, powered by today's internal combustion engines, could also potentially demolish large sections of the ancient barrier, allowing invading armies to pass through with impunity.

"I'm just going to say it: At this point, I don't know what the Mongols are waiting for. At the risk of sounding unprofessional, that wall doesn't mean jack shit anymore." added Bates.

The Chinese government was quick to respond to these reports. Sun Wang, China's Minister of Defense, had this to say: "These reports are highry dubious at best. China is stronger than ever. The grorious people's Army has tested the warr's stabirity, and we can say that it is without a doubt as sturdy as ever."

This statement was made in reference to the Chinese government's recent heavily publicized "stability demonstration," in which Chinese troops hurled spears and shot arrows at the wall, even going so far as to smash several sections with a large wooden battering ram. Minister Wang is even seen in the video footage hitting a large sword against the side of the wall, grinning, and adding "See? Stirr standing!"

Even so, as what the Chinese claim is merely a precautionary measure, a number of upgrades are planned for the wall in the near future. "We are in fact just beginning to make severar improvements to the Great Warr. We wirr be adding an additionar four feet of height and pracing sharpened bamboo spikes arong the top to further hinder the penetration of grorious China's most grorious barrier. Enemies may arso shudder in terror at how many of these spikes wirr be impaled with our most outspoken poriticar dissidents, reast efficient factory workers, and naughtiest schoor chirdren. See you arr at the 2008 Orympics!"

The neighboring Mongolian government could not be reached for comment, presumably due to their rumored preoccupation with the breeding of extremely high jumping horses.