The One True Conspiracy Theory

Throughout time, humanity has searched for this ever elusive thing called "THE TRUTH," which comes in it's many diverse and mysterious forms. Some people seek a philosophical form of truth. They seek answers to such questions as, "Why are we here?" "Where are we going?" "What is Morality?" or, "Is there a God?"

Other individuals search for forms of truth that beg slightly different kinds of questions, questions like, "Who shot JFK?" "How do I join the Illuminati?" "What's hidden at Area 51?" "How can I keep government spy cameras out of my sock drawer?" "Is Batboy real?" "What is it about child molestation that Daltonius finds so amusing?"

These are questions that often require just as much convoluted thought and misguided mental energy to come up with as they do to answer. In fact, the answers to these questions are of such a unique nature that they've got their own special name. That's right folks, they're called conspiracy theories.

But where do conspiracy theories come from, you ask? Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, but there's a whole bunch of overactive imagination and rampant paranoia involved, you can expect to find all kinds of little conspiracy theories running around the house sooner or later. For example, a rather famous conspiracy theory was born when JFK and Maralyn Monroe "loved each other" very much, then Monroe died under somewhat mysterious circumstances, and the rest is history.

Okay, enough of my bullshit. Look, there's only one true conspiracy theory in the universe and I happen to be the one who discovered it. Well, not really discovered. It's not like I conducted an intrepid investigation that spun me into a cyclone of government intrigue that lead "straight to the top." I think I thought of this when I was drunk. No matter. Not only is it the only true conspiracy theory, it also disproves all other conspiracy theories by it's own nature. Here it is:

Since the dawn of mankind, thousands of kings have been coronated and dethrowned, empires have risen and fallen, and governments have formed and disbanded.

Throughout all this shifting of power, only one constant has endured: A small yet incredibly powerful underground secret society known as the Conspiratorium. Don't blame me for the name, I didn't come up with it.

Now, at this point many of you are probably groaning and rolling your eyes. You're thinking, "Not another secret society of all-powerful men-in-black." Let me finish, jerk. This is different.

The Conspiratorium has, throughout all of known history, served one purpose, and that purpose involves the fabrication of every conspiracy ever known.

Let me back up. First of all, why does this secret society exist and serve this purpose? Well, one reason lies in the fact that leadership has on many frequent occasions been really shitty. Whenever citizens see their government screwing up, they need something to increase their confidence in said government. People don't want to think that their leaders are a bunch of blithering dumbasses, and those same leaders don't want their people to think they'd be pushovers if a revolution occured. So, if the government in question falls in favor of the Conspiratorium, this mysterious underground establishment kicks into gear and does what it does best: makes up a conspiracy and spreads it far and wide.

A good conspiracy leads to postulation left and right among the gentry regarding what dark and forboding things are going on in the "black government," that is, the government of incredibly secretive geniouses supposedly veiled by the mask of incompitence we see in our "publicized" leaders. A good conspiracy makes everyone think that while outwardly our leaders appear to be a bunch of bumbling bozos, one only has to look behind the curtain to find that there's something much deeper and more sophisticated going on, when in fact there isn't. Everything from flouride in our drinking water, to the assasination of JFK, to spy rockets in flight (afternoon delight), becomes proof that there is much more going on behind the scenes. In actuality, none of that's true, and the real conspiracy lies embedded in the fact that we've been tricked into considering the existence of any conspiracy at all. And most ironically, those who believe these conspiracies and think they have everything figured out are in fact among the most duped of individuals. While they may consider themselves enlightened with priviliged information, all they've actually done is rationalized an irrational fear of their government.

For those of you seeking the truth, here it is: pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, because there is none. There is, however, the Conspiratorium, feeding a rumor to a tabloid writer, or giving a lead to a reporter who needs a big story, and setting up a trail of flimsy yet compelling evidence all inevitably leading to some government official vehemently denying an alien landing at Roswell or a shot from the grassy knoll.