Hollywood Sneak Peak: Office Space 2: Where's My Stapler, Bitch?

Many of you may not know it, but I have connections into that vortex of cinema and depravity known as Hollywood. My finger is in fact so well positioned on the pulse of the Tinseltown beast that I am proud to be the first to announce that production has begun on Office Space 2: Where's My Stapler, Bitch?, sequel to the cult DVD classic which is revered by college students the world over.

Even though I'm just about as much on the inside as anyone can hope to be, I still know relatively little about this film, and I'm actually allowed to say even less. I'll try to provide as many highlights as I can.

The plot, to say the least, has everything. It all begins when a group of terrorists from a fictional country known as Islamibadistanduranduran invade the offices of Initech. Their demands are simple: they require a top secret guidance chip prototype developed by Initech to launch an ICBM at Washington. Milton, who has since been reemployed, manages to hide the chip in his stapler before the terrorists get their grubby Islamist hands on it. Unfortunately, the iconic cherry-red Swingline is casually stolen by a terrorist who wants to "save it for later to hijack an airplane," and it's up to Milton to get it back.

Many fans may be disappointed that actor Stephen Root, who portrayed the lovably neurotic character of Milton in the last film, was unable to return for the sequel. Fear not however, because Milton will still live on, as played by what strikes me as an obvious replacement: the cosmic force that is Samuel L. Jackson.

I actually had the incredible opportunity to watch him work his magic on the set, belting out hard hitting lines like, "I do believe you have my stapler, bitch!" "I'm gonna burn this whole mothahfuckin' place to the ground!" and, "I saw them squirrels with my own two mothahfucking eyes, bitch! They was married!" Oh, and also this one: "Hey bitch, I'm Samuel L and I say bitch a lot, so quit bitchin' like a bitch and live with it. By the way, this crossword puzzle is really tough. Let's see, here's a word with five letters and the second one is an 'I.' Oh , it's 'birds.' Nope, kidding bitch, the word was actually bitch.... BITCH." Sammy also looks just adorable wearing the same pair of coke bottle glasses that the original Milton wore in the first film. In one particularly momentous scene, Lumbardt, played by Arnold Shwartzennegger, tells Milton, "Um, yeahAUGARUGHAUGH, I'm gonna have to ask you to move your things to the basement. DEY AW COMING TO KEEL US!" Jackson replies unforgettably with, "Say 'um yeah' again, bitch! Say 'um, yeah again!' I dare you, motherfucker!" The chemistry between Shwartzenegger and Jackson is, to put it lightly, epic.

Did I mention the film takes place in the future? While the Initech office looks mostly the same, there are all kinds of gratuitous holograms popping out of everything. They've also purchased a new robot photocopier who becomes self aware and attempts to avenge his father, the copy machine from the last movie. But I can't say any more.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to go affirm my masculinity by snorting cocaine off a fillet of spotted owl.