Coming Soon To a Theater Near You: Billy V.L.: Post Apocalypse

So it's been a while, sue me. Jesus, I wonder if anyone still reads this. No matter. Here's the script to the trailer for a movie which I'm sure is bound to be a blockbuster smash hit.

Movie Trailer for

Billy V.L.:

Post Apocalypse

Narrator

(With typical overdramatic movie trailer voice)

It is the year Twenty Fifty-Six. The world is a futuristic utopia that the ancients said could never exist.

(Show happy people enjoying their futuristic technology and being unrealistically happy. Pan out to shot of futuristic city skyline with flying cars/people/dogs/sex toys/etc.)

Narrator

The ancients were right.

(Huge nuclear explosion devastates city. Fade to black)

Narrator

It is the year Twenty Fifty-Seven.

(Shot of devastated wasteland.)

Narrator

The world is a blighted radioactive wasteland. Human civilization has been brought to its knees, while mutant abominations ravage the earth.

(Show horrible mutants eating scared, dirty, downtrodden people)

Narrator

Then, out of the darkness rises a new hero.

(show close up of futuristic shotgun-like weapon being chambered)

Narrator

And his name…

(Begin long zoom towards figure standing on top of a cliff over a stormy sea. Lightning flashes in the background. Move to extreme close up of Billy V.L.’s face, with glowing red cybernetic Robocop type visor.)

Narrator:

…Is Billy V.L.

Billy V.L.

(in deep, gravelly badass voice)

The smell of popcorn makes me nauseous.

Narrator

He is but a man… a man of science.

(Cut to Master Chang’s training dojo)

Master Chang

(Billy’s wizened old mentor)

It is time for you to ask yourself, Billy V.L, what do you believe?

Billy V.L.

I believe in science.

Master Chang

Prove it, young one.

Billy V.L.

I have a Jesus fish with legs on the back of my car.

Narrator:

He’s also quite the lady’s man.

(cut to steamy bedroom scene)

Hot Chick:

Take me now, you hot hunk of man/robot/badass!

Billy V.L.

Affirmative. Just allow me to inform you that my cybernetic cock has its own cold fusion reactor which generates 1.21 giggawatts of power and my radioactive glow in the dark sperm has a half-life of 2.8 minutes while it breaks down into beryllium-14 as the cellular ribosome undergoes photosynthetic respiration.

Hot Chick

I have a hair appointment.

(Cut back to Master Chang’s dojo.)

Master Chang

Billy V.L., your quest shall be long and arduous, and that is why you must not go alone. It is time for me to pass along one of my greatest allies unto you, as he was passed to me by my master.

(Master Chang opens metal box. Tokulous, the Cyberbong floats out, making R2D2 noises.)

Billy V.L.

What is it master? It looks like some kind of floating robot bong.

Master Chang

His name is Tokulous. He is a floating robot bong, and shall make a firm friend and ally for you as he has for me.

(Billy V.L grabs Tokulous and tries to smoke him.)

Master Chang

Careful, young one. That part you’ve got your mouth on is the robot bong equivalent of his dick.

Narrator

Half white. Half asian. Half robot. 100% cyborg badass. If you see only one movie about half white half asian half robot cyborg badasses this summer, see BILLY V.L.: Post Apocalypse.

(Cut to scene of Billy V.L. getting eaten by huge three story mutant lizard dog. Lizard dog explodes from the inside, leaving Billy covered in entrails and lizard dog blood.)

Billy V.L.

This is pretty fucking hot.

THE END