How to Get a Date

For those of you who don't know me, and I know there are just piles and piles of strangers reading this, let me be the first one to tell you that I am rolling in tits. Just rolling in them, like a dog in it's own poop. I attract ladies like moths to a bug zapper.

For those of you who do know me, you are probably very aware that I'm completely full of shit.

But I'm learning. I'm learning the secret to success with the opposite sex. Do you want to know the methods behind my mojo? I, being the benevolent distributor of knowledge and wisdom that I am, am quite prepared to divuldge them to you forthwith. Want a date that isn't bought and paid for? Check it out.


Olivonius Dating Secret 1: Show her your dick.

Direct. To the point. Is not this particular organ the focal point of your motivation to seek female companionship? Don't try to deny it. Just do it, man. Rip your goddam pants open and expose the old Dickmobile, and tell her you're looking for a Dick Cave to park it in. There's no ambiguity, this is in fact a very straight forward approach we're talking about here.

Olivonius Dating Secret 2: Chop off your pinky in front of her so she knows what a badass you are.

Pinky fingers are the runts of the digit litter and you don't need them. Who was the mastermind, Pinky or the Brain? Brain. Pinky was useless, NARF. So just slice that bugger off and I donno, use it as a cue tip. When you find yourself proposing to the woman of your dreams, present the ring to her on said finger. Make sure you keep it in formaldihyde till the big day arrives.

Olivonius Dating Strategy 3: Spray yourself with Hickory Smoked Barbeque Flavor Sauce for that masculine sent.

My roommates sprayed the whole apartment with this crap and boy howdy, we had beezies lined up for miles to give us BJ's. Afterwards the place smelled like the charred remains of a sperm bank that had burnt down in a chemical fire during the annual outdoor staff cook-off. Very sexy.

Olivonius Dating Strategem 4: Puppies.

Puppies? Did I say puppies? I meant feces. Throw your feces at the object of your affection. Winning strategy all the way. Don't give me those incredulous looks. Listen, I've got two tickets to paradise right here, and they're both made of human excrement. Bet you didn't know that. Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it, jerk.

Olivonius Dating Suggestitem 5: Have no sense of humor.

Guys who get a lot of tail have no sense of humor. There's something sexy about a man who bares the same neutral facial expression throughout the whole day, and speaks in a robotic monotone. Since girls are always worried about getting mixed up with psycho murderer rapists, they can take comfort in knowing they're dating someone who is emotionally castrated. These are the manly men who will remain unmoved and steadfastly confident as they hack you to bits and stuff you into a garbage bag. Shit, even I'm a little turned on right now.

Olivonius Dating Strategerio 6: Kill her boyfriend.

Man, those boyfriends are pests, aren't they? You know, if I had a nickel for every time a girl with a boyfriend has flirted with me, I'd have a few extra nickels lying around. When girls do this, I consider it as meaning either one of two things. Either they're just trying to pump up their egos by proving to themselves that they can flirt successfully with any guy, or they're telling you to kill their boyfriends so they can have you.

I tend to lean towards the latter. Killing people is easy like Sunday morning these days. I'll let you figure out the details.


THAT'S ALL I GOT. GET THE FUCK OUT.