Here We Go Again

So its happening again. Like a recurring cold sore, a group of marauding hippies have once again invaded our campus. They've set up camp on Science Hill and are blocking an entire parking lot, bothering students, smelling terrible, making our school look like shit to prospective students and visitors, vandalizing property, pulling fire alarms, and the administration is far too pussy to take action against them.

After receiving a letter from one of our campus provosts concerning the now two week long insurgence, I responded with some input of my own. Here it is.


Dear Carolyn,

Thanks for the informative email. While I'm fairly in the dark on what the LRDP represents specifically, I am also quite confident that no matter what the program entails, I hate hippies. Even if the LRDP involved some sort of genocidal rampage, to which I would of course be opposed, I would still massively resent the presence of these societal ne'er-do-wells on my semi-beloved campus, no matter what their stance is on anything.

Is there some kind of spray that can be applied to these people to make them go away or otherwise disappear? I recall a recent airborne dispersal of a certain pheromone that inhibits the reproduction of a local pest, the apple moth. Perhaps there is some kind of chemical that could be employed in a similar manner to these festering tree-bound douchebags as well? I'm thinking of one right now, but I can't remember the name. Hmm... its on the tip of my tongue... reminds me of a war in an east-Asian country... rhymes with Day Balm. Huh. Can't seem to recall. Let's just leave it at spray-on deodorant, I know that would upset those guys.

Okay, well let me present another possible solution. Once I saw a video of a bear that had wandered into a suburban neighborhood and climbed up a telephone pole. The stubborn little bugger refused to come down, so some badasses from animal control came and shot the little dickens with a couple tranquilizer darts, and he fell somewhat safely onto a trampoline that they'd set up directly beneath him.

Now, I know you're probably getting some idea of where I'm going here. You're probably thinking, "Oh, Concerned Student, as amazing and brilliant as your idea is, if only you knew what a shitstorm would be kicked up if we tranquilized a bunch of inbred hippies hiding in trees on our campus." Oh, I know very well the type of shitstorm that would be kicked up! A world-class shitstorm to be sure! But I have a solution!

These imbeciles- er... mentally disabled persons are obsessed with their own ill-conceived concept of justice, right? So what we do is get a team of Navy SEALS to dress up in bear costumes (contrary to popular belief, the SEALS are not limited to disguising themselves as seals) and THEN tranquilize them. That way, it will look to the public and the hippies as if the whole thing was just a bunch of oppressed bears getting their revenge! The hippies, upon awakening after safely being packed into trucks and shipped to Cuba or some other communist country where they can enjoy socialized medicine like they've always wanted will just have to shrug their shoulders and say, "Well, we sure had that coming! If I were a bear, I'd be pissed about getting tranquilized all the time too! It's just like why 9/11 was America's fault!" Fight hippie imbecility with hippie idiocy, that's what I always say.

Here's one more idea: set up some hidden speakers all around the infected area that make a really high pitched irritating sound late at night. Nobody else will be around at that time (I'm talking like three in the morning) and there aren't any on-campus dorms or apartments nearby either, right? One of two things will happen: They'll either leave or pass out from lack of sleep and fall out of the trees, one or the other. If that doesn't work... bears.

Well, I believe I've done my duty here. Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,
Oliver Perez, Concerned UCSC Undergraduate.

P.S. Okay, seriously now. As our campus administrators, you folks need to grow some metaphorical testicles and get these idiots off our campus. I know that the politics of the situation are very ginger, and that the City of Santa Cruz is full of resentful morons who can't seem to get it through their heads that the students whom UCSC brings in play an enormous roll in powering their economy, but still... you folks are obligated to take action.

I know how it works... you guys want to protect your careers. I realize that I probably would too, since I've already grown out of my overly-ideological-rebellious-college-student phase. Even so... please do your jobs. We students don't pay the big bucks to come here and have to put up with this crap.

Here's an idea: arrest them. You won't have to worry about the race card being pulled this time because they already DISRUPTED THE STUDENTS OF COLOR CONFERENCE! Now you guys can dubiously accuse someone of being racist for once!

Thanks.