Kids Say the Darndest Things (There's a great joke about tits at the end)

Working with kids can be amusing, as well as a rigorous test of one's will not to collapse like a dying star, obliterating all nearby matter. Having worked at a day camp in Berkeley for five and six year olds this summer, I can account for having taken this particular exam many times. Did I pass? Well, I can at least say I wasn't fired, nor is my name and residence posted on any government websites.

(Sorry to disappoint you, Daltonius, I'm afraid I won't be joining your 'illustrious' ranks any time soon. You degenerate scum bag piece of trash.)

Ahem, anyway, I figured it would be worth putting into writing some of the more amusing experiences I've had at work this summer, and I believe I'll kick it off with

Anything Pertaining to Joe

If you've ever seen the movie Men In Black (a favorite of mine), you may recall a scene where Will Smith is in this shooting gallery being attacked by cardboard aliens, and of all the monstrosities that confront him, the only one he shoots at is a little girl. When asked why he took that particular shot, he explains that he thought there was something very wrong with a little white girl walking through the ghetto at night carrying books pertaining to multi variable calculus and quantum physics.

Joe is that little girl. Keep Will Smith the fuck away from him.

This kid is just aware of concepts, ideas, and vocabulary that he shouldn't be. Once when we were getting ready for lunch, he referred to the line he was standing in as a "procession." A procession? Just take a moment and imagine that word coming out of a five year old's mouth. I was at least halfway through high school before I can even recall hearing that word. Another time he told a misbehaving camper that if he didn't shape up, he would be sent to prison where he would be brainwashed and forced to fight in the military.

Joe is also perhaps the only kid to have caught on in any way to the true nature of the game called "Graveyard." Graveyard is simple: The kids lie down on the ground as still and silent as they can while counselors look for any movement. The goal is to be the last one caught moving. "I don't think graveyard is a real game," Joe told me. Which, of course, is pretty much true. It's mostly just a rather effective way to get 'em to shut up. "I'm not playing unless I get to be the guy who figures out how everyone in the graveyard died," Joe told me.

"Okay, fine bud, knock yourself out..." I lie down in his spot, eager for an excuse to catch a quick nap.

He looks me up and down as I lie on the ground. "You died in a boating tragedy."

Not a boating accident, mind you. A boating tragedy. W.T.F, Mr. Joe. W.T.F indeed!

From what wellspring of... unique parenting did this anomalous behavior arise? I can only imagine. Maybe I can't even do that. But I do know that while all the other kids at camp were having bananas, Granola bars and Rice Krispy treats for snack, Joe was eating corn. Raw, uncooked, unhusked corn. As in, every morning his hippie parents go outside and crack a cob off one of the stocks they have growing in their nuclear-free backyard and stick it in his backpack. Oh, and instead of packing him a pair of swim trunks, they give him a second pair of underpants, and expect everyone to believe they qualify as appropriate swim wear.

Berkeley.

Miscellaneous Antics and Garbage

I'm going to put this in bullets. We've got:

- A kid who peed his pants like clockwork within the same 30 minute timespan for four consecutive days, after repeatedly denying the need to use the bathroom.

-A kid who refers to my brother as "Don Chi-Chi" for no definable reason.

-Kids who shit in the pool.

-Kids who shit in the pool repeatedly and think its really funny.

-Kids who punch each other in the balls and think its really funny.

-Kids who punch you in the balls, and of course, think its really funny.

-One kid who walked in at the beginning of the day, pointed at his dad who was standing a few feet away, and said in a serious, hushed voice, "He eats pee and poo for breakfast." The dad smirked knowingly and walked off. It was a look that said, "So maybe I do and I'm proud of it."

-Might I mention the way these kids get ready for swimming? They strip down in the locker room to change into there swim trunks, but then opt to sit around completely naked, occasionally yanking idly on their ding dongs while pondering the mysteries of Optimus Prime or something. When you ask them why they're not changing, you can expect them to respond with something like, "My pants are inside-out." I'm not Daltonius, so there really is nothing I find particularly fun about this part of the day. But God help us all if I were Daltonius. I shudder to think.

-Some pretty damn hot moms.

-This lifeguard with really big bozangas. Yeah dude, they were like totally gigantic. She pretty much spent the whole day lounging in the lifeguard's chair while she "kept watch over the kids in the pool." Yeah, right. She was just about as good at her job as I was at "never steeling surreptitious glances at her WMD's." (Weapons of Milk Distribution. Yeah, that's right. Another term for tits is born. Oh, and back off George Bush. I know you've been looking for a while now, but I saw them first.)

Well, that's all I got. I hope you didn't just scroll to the end to read the bit about tits. There were some okay parts in the middle I guess. Anyhoo, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon! BUM BUM, BUM BUM, BUM BUM, BUM BUM...