The Astoundingly Brilliant YouTube Review Forum Highlight Reel

If a reporter walked up to people on the street in 1957 and asked them what they expected the future to hold in fifty years, they'd probably suggest something along the lines of interstellar travel, flying cars, tubes as a form of public transport, robots that run on punch cards, and the Russians flying hijacked jets into the World Trade Center and an inept president who should have seen it coming. Commie bastards.

Sorry 1950s people. We ain't got none of that shit, yo. What do we have? Well, we do have the internet. I don't think there are any real predictions of the world wide web in science fiction because its not very exciting, at least not outwardly. It doesn't hover or shoot lasers or become self aware and try to kill you. At least not yet. But it does have YouTube. Who could have predicted this magnificent website? Not even Asimov. Now practically any middle class citizen can share a piece of his or her creative glory or boobs with the click of a mouse and nary the snap of a nerve synapse.

Only one thing can top the collective brilliance of YouTube, and that would have to be the "Comments and Responses" column, where the quality and worthiness of your video contribution to mankind can be judged by people from all walks of life. Instead of going on like this, I'll let this miracle of the internet speak for itself with some prime USDA Choice examples. We'll start with a brief discussion of the video-in-review, followed by user made comments.

Video 1: Laugh at the Fat Kid
http://youtube.com/watch?v=b_qYKCc9m0A

Synopsis: This gem expounds upon the struggles of an overweight elementary school kid whose Nanna gorges him on bacon and hohos every morning. The way it shows blatant cutaways of this kid being made fun of in some scenes and being vaguely looked at by kids in others is pretty incredible. Plus, the dialog is amazing. My favorite lines are "Ambient Sounds of Children Playing in the Background." and "Overweight Child Panting in PE" and "Black Kid Who Barks Like a Dog." (No, really, I can't make up this shit. He's in there.) The only thing more life changing than this video are the comments.

Choice YouTube Criticism:

"Now i am angry, sure kids are obest [sic] nowadays but they shouldn't be treated the way they do. I remember beging [sic] smashed from behind and such in highschool [sic] and all the harrassment [sic] in grade. This stuff must stop, stop making fun of overweight kids or you will probobly [goddammit, sic] be the parent of one and see how badly they are treated. It is all true in the video speed girls [wtf?] and all you got it across that obest [seriously?] children are not as well-fit for life as some skin-bag [hot] but they still deserve some respect."

-Blackboarder77

This bit of insight hits home quite hard. As a young pre-adolescent, I was a bit of a chub-chub myself, and nothing stung more than the cuts and jives of those video speed girls. During recess, when they weren't out killing the radio star or tuning the Mach 5, it was all, "Your blocking the sun, Fatty," and "Hey, why don't you rent out advertising space to Goodyear?" Damn those video speed girls! How I so very badly wanted to be well-fit like them. However, I can proudly say that with some exercise and a proper diet, I have come a long way. That's right ladies, your looking at the hunkiest skin-bag in town.

Blackboarder also makes an excellent point; cutting edge research in genetics has shown that making fun of fat kids activates a common but otherwise dormant gene that increases the likelihood of having obest, er.., obese children. FACT.

Video 2: The Old Negro Space Program
http://youtube.com/watch?v=T6xJzAYYrX8

Synopsis: This here is a hilarious parody of any given Ken Burns style documentary. The premise is that in the 1950s, black people started their own space program because NASA was whites-only. It really is very funny, but the comments may have it beat.

Choice YouTube Criticism:

"is this for real?"

-Themanwhowilllayout2

What a ridiculous question. Of course its real. Back then, black people strapped rocket engines to Cadillac DeVilles and school buses and went to the moon all the time. Don't you watch the history channel or at least BET?

"niggers"

-tduffysd

Oooh, that was pretty racy, tduffysd! I donno man, you're really walking "the line" with that one! Way to push the moral envelope of our self-imposed societal construct of right and wrong or some bullshit. Thank God for YouTube; not only can those whom are desperately starved for attention and brain power vie for some much needed internet notoriety, they can do it by typing seven letters and clicking a single button... and be met with success! Here are some responses to our buddy tduffy.

"A man reveals his character through every word he utters. Those that advocate hate are emotionally, spiritually, and mentally under developed. No man with true wisdom, knowledge, and... blah blah blah blah- (oh God, someone's actually paying attention to that idiot)."

-16sag7

As you can see, an intriguing debate is about to enfold, one that will surely inundate our brains with some mind-broadening yet divisive perspectives. Once again, YouTube proves itself to be the battleground where the best and brightest of the quasi-internet savvy square off in a cage match of wits. Not convinced yet? Tduffy's response to 16sag7's poignant words will make a believer out of you. Without further ado:

"blow me you tree huggin liberal."

-tduffysd

And a decisive barrage of impeccable logic and reasoning shoots forth from the brilliant mind of tduffysd! Two points for tduffy! Yes, there you go... one finger, two fingers... yes that's two! Two points! Way to go, champ.

Video 3: The Meaning of Christmas
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mx9sXFGvPnU&feature=related

Synopsis: Featured in this video are a man and woman wearing Santa hats, speaking with fake Irish accents and expounding upon how much the 2008 republican presidential candidates suck. Since the last thing I want to do is get political, I'll just say that this thing was pretty boring regardless of who you plan on voting for and leave it at that. I got a kick out of some of the comments, though.

Choice YouTube Criticism:

"I wanna piss in his santa hat. In fact I wanna piss all over him."

-kukeninummen


Okay, well, either you mean this man severe disrespect, or he turns you on and you've got some pretty deviant little fetishes floating around in that naughty head of yours. Whatever, bud. Just keep it to yourself.

"Jeez guy, you sound upset. Perhaps instead of focusing your anger on the republicans you could direct it at me, as you have probably heard it was I that violently blasted a piping hot load of radioactive jizz across your late mothers forehead accidently [sick!] burning layers of surface flesh. To be honest I thought she looked silly with a boiling heap of my jizz bubbling on her exposed cranium."

-MightySaturn5

Dude. Wow. If you thought she looked silly with your jizz on her exposed cranium, then why did you put it there? I swear, some people have no sense of aesthetics. And you've got radioactive spunk, eh? Neat, does it glow in the dark? Now crime scene investigators won't even have to get out the black light.

Well, that's about all I can take for now, so until next time, keep on trucking, and I'll keep on 'Tubing for the very best it has to offer.