A Letter to Vice President Biden

I was bored and supposed to be studying, so instead I went to the White House's website and found that I could email our Vice President. Couldn't get to Barry though. I guess one of the major differences between the President and the Vice President is that the VP has time to answer every single email he gets through the "Contact Us" page of whitehouse.gov.

Dear Mr. Biden,

I was wondering if you could house sit my cat next week while I vacation in Cabo. I voted for your administration, so I assume a little cat sitting on your part would only be fair and neighborly. Twister is a very agreeable fellow and he's one of the most hypoallergenic felines I have ever encountered, so it shouldn't be a problem. Here are some tips for handling him:

1.) Maintaining a diet of high quality cat food will help keep shedding to a minimum. I'm sure any brand with the vice-presidential seal on it has got to be great, but if you could score some of the real good shit off your boss, that would be preferable.

2.) Twister does NOT like clay based litter. It appears to exacerbate his irritable bowel syndrome. Please, Mr. Biden, for the sake of Twister's well being as well as yours, only supply him with the silica gel variety. I wouldn't want cat diarrhea splattered all over some crucial piece of health care legislation.

3.) When being X-Rayed for security threats upon his arrival, Twister does not like to be exposed to over 50 roentgens of radiation. This also exacerbates his irritable bowel syndrome, and on top of that it makes him cranky and he usually throws up a lot. I assure you that aside from the occasional intestinal parasite, Twister is on the level.

4.) Twister has not been neutered and as such should probably be kept away from any female cats in heat. Then again, it would be fun to tell friends that my Twister is sire to a litter of Presidential kittens! Seriously, though, keep him away from any female cats... he's quite the rough rider. Not pretty.

5.) There were some issues when the previous administration took care of Twister, and I believe I should bring them to your attention lest they be repeated: First off, please do not feed Twister any pretzels. They present a major choking hazard for him. Also, please refrain from putting him in the microwave to “dry off” like your predecessor, Mr. Cheney.

I'll be by shortly to drop him off, thanks again!