Major Recall In Effect After Lead Products Found to Contain Toys

Cosolidated Ore, a leading producer of lead and other heavy metal based products, today announced a complete recall due to the discovery of unsafe toy levels within their metal. Lead-based items laced with the contaminant, all of which were produced at outsourced facilities in China, include car batteries, bullets, fish sinkers, and radiation shielding equipment commonly used by radiologists and haz-mat workers.

“Consolidated Ore is working around the clock to rectify this situation, and we are prepared to accept full responsibility for any fun-related health issues suffered by the public either now or in the future,” said company press representative Sheila Meyers in a statement made yesterday, “Also, you can rest assured we will be rethinking our relationship with our Chinese contractors.”

Exposure to toys, a product commonly utilized by children, may cause adults to experience inappropriate joy, gaiety, childlike hyperactivity, and in cases of heavy exposure, nostalgia comas. Furthermore, children who come into contact with the toy-tainted products often believe that their parents are treating them to goodies outside of birthdays and Christmas, leading to a degenerative condition that turns kids into spoiled little shits.

While industry analysts predict that Consolidated Ore may lose millions of dollars in related lawsuits, the impact on the consumer has proven itself to be quite serious as well. “This is unacceptable,” said Dr. Franklin Higgins, a hospital radiologist. “My livelihood and personal health are both at stake here. Just the other day an entire shipment of lead-lined x-ray vests came in, except half the order turned out to be made from stitched-together Easy-Bake Oven mitts. Does Consolidated even understand the consequences of prolonged x-ray exposure?”

“I was late for work because my new car battery was full of Pokemon.” said Bill Hasborough, motorist.

Even the war on terror has been negatively affected. “I was on a routine patrol last week, manning the 80cal [machine gun] on the leading vehicle, when our convoy was ambushed by insurgents packing RPGs.” said Private Jackson Cole, who is currently on his third tour in Iraq, “I returned fire, hoping to pump those bastards full of lead, but was surprised to find myself pelting the enemy with foam NERF darts instead. It was really embarrassing.”

Fortunately for Cole and his convoy, the insurgents, being children themselves, reacted by jumping up and down excitedly, snatching up the foam darts as quickly as possible, and running home to play with them.