Comrade Michael King Consumer Reports

Today we have a very special guest. His name is Michael King, a fine young gentleman I met in highschool. Actually, it's just me writing as an alter ego. But anyway, Michael King is a guy who knows what he likes, and he has a very unique way of expressing it. After witnessing the fall of the Berlin wall and the dissolution of the U.S.S.R. as a young child, he grew to adolescence in the post soviet atmosphere which followed before moving to the U.S. of A. Mike has always had a very special and mind broadening way of looking at the world when contrasted against standard American viewpoints. Without further adu, I turn the "mic" over to Mike. Take it away, Comrade King!

Hello. Dis is Michael King. I have for you mutherfuckers today a list of sheet dat I like and don't like. Eef you deesagree, you are fag. Here ees how it works: There are three seperate kategories in rating of item. Dey are as follows:

1.) Gee.

Dis means produkt is gee.

2.) Fat.

Dis means produkt is fat. Fat people smell like olt bortche. Bortche is for gees.

3.) Joo

Dis means produkt is joo. Joos are always getting into everyteen. Sometimes produkt seems nice, but is aktually joo. I always find out, somehow. On vit dee show.

Produkt Number 1: Bik Mechanikal Pencils

I hate dees things.

Gee?: Yes. Lead keep breaking, even at .7 millimeters. Plus eet yellow, which remind me of my komrade Uri's dik when he get yellow fever back een Soviet apartment bloc. Eef produkt makes me think of veener, it probably gee.

Fat?: No. Dis pencil is quite thin.

Joo?: No. Joo only write with magik golden tail feather of dee Joobird.

Product Number 2: Icekream Truk

I hate dee icekream truk. It komes around and wakes me up from Soviet Winter Hybernation Time.

Gee?: Yes. Karnival musik plays from thees truk every time it pass. It sound gee, like prancing pink unikorns ridden by kapitalist pig klown, Ronald MkDonald. "All around the mulberry bush, the bolchevik chase the czarist..." Kome on, I am adult now.

Fat?: No. The Icekream Man ees quite fat, however he bears klose resemblance to great premier Joseph Stalin. I dare not speak ill of Papa Stalin, for he shall send his K"Gee"B to take me away. I mean, KGB. You heard nothing, do not speak of this to anyone.

Joo?: Yes. I hear truk play Hava Nageela one day. They also serve an unleavened icekream sandwich for passover.

Produkt Number 3: The Internet

What ees this thing? I do not understand.

Gee?: Yes. I get geemails advertising gee penis produkts, two, sometimes three a day.

Fat?: Yes. The internets are for the fattest of fats. They are kalled "Blooggers."

Joo?: No. Internet does not rest on the Sabbath.

Produkt Number 3: The Birdkage on DVD

If you know vut dis movie is about, den you know eet is about gees. One of da main characters pretty fat, and though actual birdcage is never seen, I presume it is full of Joobirds.

Gee Faktor: Yes. Very gee. Dere are lots of gees in dis film. Dis ees da gee-est film I have ever seen. I weel burn it after I watch eet a few more times.

Fat Faktor: Yes. Nathan Lane is fat. He is sassy as a mutherfuker too. Vut a man! I mean, gee.

Joo Faktor: Yes. Nathan Lane is joo. He wears Joobird feather in hat like a gee. How fat.




Geeyest, Fattest, Jooest of the Week

That last one was pretty gee and joo and fat, yes? Well, I have skoured both east and west of the Berlin wall, and found the most gee, most fat, and most joo produkt to be found under sputnik.
TO MOTHER RUSSIA, WE PAY MANY RESPECKTS. ALL OTHERS ARE GEE AND FAT AND JOO.

Er... thank you, Michael. Your unique international perspectives have been very.... enlightening. We look forward to hearing from you again. Oh, on a completely unrelated note: if anyone has information on how to get someone's student visa revoked, please drop me a line.