Conflicts Re-Escalate with Penistani Insurgence into Vaginia

Labianopolis, Vaginia- The furtive peace that existed between the states of Penistan and Vaginia collapsed last night as Penistani insurgents penetrated deep into Vaginese territory. Vaginia's halt of all tomato juice exports, a resource that held considerable sway in keeping the Penistani military out Vaginian affairs, reignited the violent struggle between the two nations which has raged intermittently over the last few months.

The Penistani government openly condemned the attacks, saying that the invasion is the product of rogue Penistani militants who "just keep getting caught up in the moment," and "aren't really thinking through their decisions." Militia leaders, based in the Penistani region of Ballsra, share a different sentiment. "Tactically speaking, we saw the opportunity and knew it wouldn't last forever. They had their borders open and were pretty much saying, 'come on in.' The UN may condemn our decision, but how could what felt so right be so wrong?"

The invasion was swift and decisive, beginning with a hard surge through the tactically weak Pink Canyon, which exists just on the Vaginese border and is known for its distinctive reddish limestone rock formations. After some brief "shock and awe" tactics were employed, generally involving the consistent advance and withdrawal of what Penistan considers to be some rather impressive military equipment, literally millions of troops were suddenly and abruptly unloaded into the country.

The massive invading hordes pressed upward through the harsh and bitter terrain that surrounds the outskirts of the nation. In spite of amazingly stacked odds against them, sheer numbers ultimately drove the ground forces to success. Furthermore, after a brief respite from the insurgence, the Penistanis instigated a gratuitous second and slightly-longer-lasting invasion campaign involving the exact same tactics once again, though with significantly diminished troop numbers.

Vaginese citizens and government officials expressed dismay at how briefly the invasion process lasted. "Things ended way to soon. We were hoping for a war with some endurance, instead we got weeks of Penistani posturing and a couple days of actual fight. Penistan may be proud of itself, but we're pretty unsatisfied." said Admiral Fallopia, commander of the Vaginian navy.

While the UN remains indecisive regarding the advance of Penistani troops in Vaginia, the organization expresses growing concern over the possibility of further troop movements into Vaginia's northern neighbor, Uteropia.

Mexican College Student Secretly Resents White Roommate's Mexican Jokes

Santa Cruz, California- Paco Hernandez Escobar Honda Del Sol, a Chicano college student attending the local university, secretly resents his Caucasian roommate's consistent telling of hilarious Mexican jokes. "Cliff always makes some reference to me eating 'tacos y burritos' and then says something lame about how he just likes to tell those jokes because they're 'so wrong' and 'tacky' to cover his ass." says Hernandez. "What an asshole."

Roommate and white guy Cliff Biffworthy remains blissfully ignorant of Hernandez' true sentiment. "Paco understands, or should I say, 'comprendos' that it's just part of my sense of humor. If it's funny it's funny. I mean, both of us know I'm anything but racist," says Biffworthy, "When we're between classes or, in the case of Paco, taking a break from sitting around outside Home Depot, my comedic know-how helps us both relieve stress."

In spite of this subtle yet substantial tension, the two not only remain roommates, but spend a fair amount of time together as well. According to Hernandez, Cliff plays an excellent roll in motivating him to stay in shape. "We went to the gym the other day, and while I was running on the treadmill, Cliff came over and turned up the speed. He said I'd have to push myself harder if I wanted to be a contender in that big 'T.J. to San Diego marathon' that 'us Mexicans' apparently always compete in." says Hernandez, "Douche bag." he added.

In spite of this, Biffworthy insists that Paco "loves" him. "Nothing gay though, we're talking pure platonics here." says Biffworthy, "I showed my appreciation of our friendship with a special picture I made with Microsoft Paint for his birthday. He thought it was great."

"That picture is an affront to my culture and my heritage. Fuck that guy." says Hernandez.

Goodyear Blimp Diagnosed with Anorexia

Goodyear officials announced in a press conference yesterday that their beloved blimp has been diagnosed with anorexia. "Our suspicions arose about two months ago, when we noticed that the blimp's structural ribbing was showing much more prominently than usual. It's all gone downhill since," said Goodyear press representative Jim Hatfield.

Many experts blame the portrayal of unrealistically thin airframes on television and in magazines for the recent spike in flying machine eating disorders. "Just look at the once-glamorous and startlingly slim supersonic Concorde airliner," said leading medical expert Sarah McArthur, "that is one waft-like airplane, to an extent that's just unhealthy. They grounded that jet for a reason."

Additionally, TV coverage of the lithe and slender fighter jets utilized by Coalition forces in Iraq and Afghanistan have also lead some of the chunkier aircraft to develop body-image issues. "When you look at what's on the runway today, the name of the game seems to be thin and angular. Just look at the tiny airframe on the F-22 Raptor. No wonder it doesn't show up on enemy radar." says McArthur.

Even in the face of its popularity, not all flight enthusiasts are "in" to "thin." "When I'm experiencing turbulence, I like a little something I can grab on to, you know?" states frequent flier Michael Donovan. "Say what you will about the glories of being thin, but I know what puts my tray table in its upright and locked position."

Some major manufacturers are releasing new models that seem to defy the slim paradigm, like Boeing with its "more-to-love" 787 Dreamliner and Airbus' "voluptuous" A-380.

Even so, the plight of the Goodyear Blimp endures. "We all think Goody B. is beautiful just the way it is," says Hatfield, "but when that blimp looks at itself in a mirror, it sees an enormous, bloated, and cumbersome aircraft that requires an immense gasbag just to haul around a tiny 8 seat compartment. These notions are clearly all a matter of negative body image, and reflect nothing of reality."

The Goodyear blimp could not be reached for comment, as it was locked in the bathroom purging large amounts of helium into the atmosphere.

Major Recall In Effect After Lead Products Found to Contain Toys

Cosolidated Ore, a leading producer of lead and other heavy metal based products, today announced a complete recall due to the discovery of unsafe toy levels within their metal. Lead-based items laced with the contaminant, all of which were produced at outsourced facilities in China, include car batteries, bullets, fish sinkers, and radiation shielding equipment commonly used by radiologists and haz-mat workers.

“Consolidated Ore is working around the clock to rectify this situation, and we are prepared to accept full responsibility for any fun-related health issues suffered by the public either now or in the future,” said company press representative Sheila Meyers in a statement made yesterday, “Also, you can rest assured we will be rethinking our relationship with our Chinese contractors.”

Exposure to toys, a product commonly utilized by children, may cause adults to experience inappropriate joy, gaiety, childlike hyperactivity, and in cases of heavy exposure, nostalgia comas. Furthermore, children who come into contact with the toy-tainted products often believe that their parents are treating them to goodies outside of birthdays and Christmas, leading to a degenerative condition that turns kids into spoiled little shits.

While industry analysts predict that Consolidated Ore may lose millions of dollars in related lawsuits, the impact on the consumer has proven itself to be quite serious as well. “This is unacceptable,” said Dr. Franklin Higgins, a hospital radiologist. “My livelihood and personal health are both at stake here. Just the other day an entire shipment of lead-lined x-ray vests came in, except half the order turned out to be made from stitched-together Easy-Bake Oven mitts. Does Consolidated even understand the consequences of prolonged x-ray exposure?”

“I was late for work because my new car battery was full of Pokemon.” said Bill Hasborough, motorist.

Even the war on terror has been negatively affected. “I was on a routine patrol last week, manning the 80cal [machine gun] on the leading vehicle, when our convoy was ambushed by insurgents packing RPGs.” said Private Jackson Cole, who is currently on his third tour in Iraq, “I returned fire, hoping to pump those bastards full of lead, but was surprised to find myself pelting the enemy with foam NERF darts instead. It was really embarrassing.”

Fortunately for Cole and his convoy, the insurgents, being children themselves, reacted by jumping up and down excitedly, snatching up the foam darts as quickly as possible, and running home to play with them.