China's Great Wall No Longer a Useful Military Asset, UN Report States

A UN report describing the defensive abilities of the world's most powerful nations contained startling news regarding the feasibility of China's Great Wall as a defensive asset against hostile militaries.

"In 500 BC, the wall probably provided at least some tactical defensive advantage to China," said Marvin Bates, the UN's chief world military analyst, "however, in the face of modern technology, the relevance of the Great Wall as a defensive measure has become severely limited."

Such hi-tech military equipment includes airplanes and cruise missiles, which can utilize their flying abilities to pass several miles above the wall, as well as modern high explosives, which can breach the wall by releasing massive bursts of destructive kinetic energy. Bulldozers, powered by today's internal combustion engines, could also potentially demolish large sections of the ancient barrier, allowing invading armies to pass through with impunity.

"I'm just going to say it: At this point, I don't know what the Mongols are waiting for. At the risk of sounding unprofessional, that wall doesn't mean jack shit anymore." added Bates.

The Chinese government was quick to respond to these reports. Sun Wang, China's Minister of Defense, had this to say: "These reports are highry dubious at best. China is stronger than ever. The grorious people's Army has tested the warr's stabirity, and we can say that it is without a doubt as sturdy as ever."

This statement was made in reference to the Chinese government's recent heavily publicized "stability demonstration," in which Chinese troops hurled spears and shot arrows at the wall, even going so far as to smash several sections with a large wooden battering ram. Minister Wang is even seen in the video footage hitting a large sword against the side of the wall, grinning, and adding "See? Stirr standing!"

Even so, as what the Chinese claim is merely a precautionary measure, a number of upgrades are planned for the wall in the near future. "We are in fact just beginning to make severar improvements to the Great Warr. We wirr be adding an additionar four feet of height and pracing sharpened bamboo spikes arong the top to further hinder the penetration of grorious China's most grorious barrier. Enemies may arso shudder in terror at how many of these spikes wirr be impaled with our most outspoken poriticar dissidents, reast efficient factory workers, and naughtiest schoor chirdren. See you arr at the 2008 Orympics!"

The neighboring Mongolian government could not be reached for comment, presumably due to their rumored preoccupation with the breeding of extremely high jumping horses.