The UC's Administration is Overrun with Soulless Bureaucrats

During my first night back at college, my friend threw a big party in his on-campus apartment. I know this is unheard of, but this party happened to include booze! Inevitably, a pair of RAs showed up, and all thirty odd guests took less than 15 seconds to disappear in a drunken stampede. The RAs needed to talk to whoever lived there, and Luis, the host I mentioned, pretty much had to turn himself in to them. I decided I should "Do the Right Thing" and be the only person to stay behind and take the fall with him. And no, I wasn't drunk, so I have no other excuse for why I decided to do that.

Still, I figured, "One write up? Big deal. Means nothing." After all, I knew people with two write ups who suffered virtually no consequences. Well, for some mysterious reason, that turned out to be different for me. I was sentenced to attend a "Decision Making Workshop" regarding "ethics." This is fairly ironic, considering how I voluntarily gave myself up to the authorities on my buddy's behalf. I guess I needed to be taught not to be so stupid as to help a friend when he's got to bite the bullet.

Put shortly, I completely forgot to sign up for this stupid class. I was reminded yesterday, when I attempted to enroll in courses for next quarter. An "academic hold" had been placed on my enrollment, meaning I couldn't enroll until I'd attended the workshop. Oops. So I go online to sign up for the next available one, which is on May 4th. This is well after the enrollment deadline. It seemed that I wouldn't be able to sign up for class. So I was directed to contact one of the people in Residential Life who are in charge of disciplining little blights on society such as myself.

My conversation with this guy was akin to banging my head against a brick wall, except this particular wall was made of red tape and inhuman bureaucracy.
Let me present a transcript of my conversation with the guy, as close as I can remember it:

Soulless Bureaucrat: Student #1002109, please present query.

Olivonius: Uh, hi. I've got this hold on my academic enrollment for next quarter. I needed to attend this Decision Making Workshop and I totally forgot. I'm signed up for the next one available, which is in May, but I kinda need to sign up for classes in the meantime, so...

SB: Does not compute. Student #1002109 has failed to comply with Judiciary Sanction Code C-23. Student #1002109 must fulfill the terms of the sanction before he may proceed to enroll.

O: Uh, yeah, but I can't wait till May, I need to, you know, go to school.

SB: Does not compute. Student #1002109 has failed to comply with Judiciary Sanction Code C-23. Student #1002109 must fulfill the terms of the sanction before subject may proceed to enroll.

O: I, um...

SB: Please present query.

O: Look, I've been very busy this quarter. I'm taking extra credits, I'm involved in the student senate and PRAXIS, I'm in a number of different ensembles down at the music center. Plus my mom is fighting breast cancer (yes this is completely true) and in the midst of this I just... forgot. There's got to be some wa-

SB: Does not compute. Student #1002109 has failed to comply with Judiciary Sanction Code C-23. Student #1002109 must fulfill the terms of the sanction before subject may proceed to enroll. Student has shown massive levels of FATAL HUMAN FLAW B-32: IRRESPONISIBILITY. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?

O: You're not going to let me enroll in class next quarter are you?

B: Negative. Plus I think your mom is a bitch and I hope she dies.

No dice. It all came down to me being "irresponsible." Apparently, "irresponsible" describes a person who has a respectable 3.7 GPA, has taken extra credits every quarter since fall of freshman year, plays in numerous music ensembles, gets involved in community service and student government, has only one write up, has never thrown up or passed out by means of a substance once, and who's worst offense is whining in an internet blog. No, this man was an impregnable fortress of by-the-book steely compassionless resolve. Apparently he was a robot too.

So I asked him what I should do. I can't just miss a quarter of college. His answer:

Soulless Bearcat: Unknown

Olivonius: You don't know?

SB: Unknown. Please contact University Employee 4-R2: Academic Advisor.

O: You can't-

SB: Fuck! Look, beat cheeks kid, my lunch break starts in 15 minutes. *click*

I have a few things to say to everyone involved in slapping me with this "academic hold," with the possible exception of the RAs who showed up that fateful night. First of all, fuck you. You're all a bunch of soulless, insensitive bureaucratic red-tape dispensing robots who masturbate while pointlessly rearranging your pens and office knickknacks as you wait for your lunch breaks. Guess what, assholes? There are a lot of people who live here that really do cause problems, and could use a lesson in "ethics." I had to live with one of them all throughout last year. The fact that you can't see that I'm not part of the problem only shows that you're a bunch of lazy twits who brainlessly assign punishments based on the quota you need to meet, and not the individual case of the perpetrator.

Why don't you step back and look at some of the better points of America's legal system, which you so ridiculously try to emulate? When a man is accused of murder, he's in a lot trouble. A lot more than me. But even in a state like California, where the death penalty is legal, the killer doesn't necessarily wind up on death row. That's because the nature of the offense is taken into consideration during sentencing. If the man brutally stabbed his children because they wouldn't get out of the way of the TV, he'll probably wind up facing capital punishment. If the man killed another man in a drunken bar fight, that would be another story.

Would it be too much to simply look at my record and see that I'm far from worthy of this "academic hold?" Would it be too much to show a little compassion? Of course it would be too much! Anything that involves something more than getting out of your chair to start your fucking lunch break is too much for you lot of slothful subhuman pencil-pushing cock-sucking bottom-feeding bantha-poodoo uberdouche commienazi child-molesting dog-eating cum rags who leave foot long skid marks in your underwear every fucking time so I'm not doing your laundry anymore. Look what you've done! You've got me all riled up.