How to Get Ahead in Life

So you want to be top of the heap, eh kid? You wanna be the big dog, the head honcho, or el taco grande, if you will?

As of late, I've begun to get a pretty clear idea of what it takes to reach the lofty heights of success, fame, and fortune. It's really quite simple, and the secret is not one I've learned from teachers, nor mom, dad, or wizened old grandparents. It's one I've learned from my very own peers. You wanna know the secret? Since you're still reading, I'll assume the answer is yes. Here it is:

The secret to success, fame, and fortune, is to obtain a degree from a University of Califonia, provided that the particular UC is not Santa Cruz.

That's it. If you want to get ahead in life, don't go to this school. Because although Santa Cruz may in fact be a UC, nobody is going to take you seriously when you go to get a job, or when you apply for grad school. You'll be branded a stoner regardless of whether you pass the drug test. Potential bosses will plug their noses in anticipation of your repulsive body odor as you enter the room for an interview predestined to end poorly. Seriously, you have better chances of getting hired as a highschool drop out. That's why I'm currently observing such a massive exodus of outbound transfers.

If you want to make it in life, buying into the stuffy elitism of higher education is key. For example, the individual who went to UC Berkeley is bound for instant success, while the person who went to Santa Cruz is going to wallow in a pool of their own feces until they die broken and alone. What you do after you graduate doesn't mean shit. People will simply point and laugh at the Santa Cruz graduate for the rest of his or her life, even though he or she sat in what amounted to the same overcrowded lecture halls that the Berkeley, UCLA, or UCSD etc. student did. You want an instant ticket to success? Go to a UC, just not Santa Cruz.

That's obviously why so many people who were unfortunate enough to wind up coming here as freshmen are hitting the road. There're greener pastures to be had, and an instant assurance of a bright future, regardless of how crappy your GPA turns out.

Let's hear some true stories about people who went to Santa Cruz and hit an inevitable dead end upon graduation, and some people that went to other UC's and made it big.

Subject 1
James Greenfield
UC Santa Cruz Graduate, 1983

James Greenfield, who chose the life of a humanitarian after becoming an M.D., traveled to the Congo to help fight the deadly Mustafa Hemorrhagic Fever. The disease, an Ebola like affliction that was killing off multitudes of people in local forest dwelling tribes, nearly lead Dr. Greenfield to his own death before he managed to find the cure. But find a cure he did, saving the lives of thousands of tribal Africans.

Dr. Greenfield was nominated to win the Nobel Prize for his efforts. In fact, he did win, but upon stepping up to the podium to make his acceptance speech, he made the mistake of mentioning where he'd gone to school as an undergraduate: UC Santa Cruz. Immediately after hearing this, the Nobel Commission stripped him of his prize, stabbed him in the throat while he was sleeping, and defecated on his corpse. Some of the excrement was then smeared on the wall of his bedroom to spell out, "DIE HIPPIE SCUM."

Pretty bleak, no? Let's move on to the more lighthearted tale of a student who graduated from a much more worthy UC.

Subject 2
Arthur Cumberland
UC Berkeley Graduate, 1981

Arthur Cumberland graduated from University of California, Berkeley in 1981 with a degree in Post-Modern Transcendental Garbage Collection. He had a 2.8 GPA. Immediately after graduating, he walked out onto a street corner wearing a sign announcing his status as a UC Berkeley graduate. Within 10 minutes, a limo pulled up and the rich executives within offered him a job. He was hired on as CEO of Monopocorp, the international automobile, washing machine, and pizza paddle manufacturing conglomerate, earning 200 million dollars a year, and holding over 3 billion dollars worth of stock options.

While on one of his many personal "executive oversight" expeditions to one of his factories in Sri Lanka, he was video taped by undercover journalists as he jabbed child laborers with heated fire pokers, and also as he slept with four thirteen year old Sri Lankan prostitutes simultaneously.

He was arrested upon his return to the United States, but after mentioning to the judge and jury that he graduated from a non-Santa Cruz UC, he was immediately exonerated of his crimes and given a thirty-three million dollar raise by the Monopocorp board of directors. Retired at the age of 27, Cumberland now lives in a giant mansion that he calls "The Fun House," located next door to his local elementary school.

As can clearly be seen, the lives of these two individuals varied greatly, and what did it all boil down to? The college they went to, of course. Actually, not just the school they went to, but the specific UC they went to. Make the right choice, children. And if you do wind up here at UCSC, pork chop sandwiches! Get the fuck out!