Tales From the Metro

Zooming through the universe at theoretically impossible speeds, you may encounter a galaxy with a quaint yellow star located way out on one of it's spiral arms. Set a course for the third planet from this adolescent sun and enter the atmosphere above the northern hemosphere. You should encounter a largish continent that tapers off to the south. Located around the center of this continent (in the north/south sense) is the greatest country in the history of anything. Head for the western seaboard of this impeccable nation.

You should be able to see little boxes drawn out on the ground by now. These are called "borders," and they denote the boundaries of "states." See that big one that's shaped kind of like a boomerang that's been carved out by a special ed kid? Head for that one. Now scan the surface for high concentrations of marajuana. In all likelihood, if you point yourself towards the areas with the strongest readings, you'll find yourself in Santa Cruz, California.

Crashed your spaceship, eh? Repulsor lifts got you down? No worries! Santa Cruz boasts an impressive public transportation system, that is, assuming that the integalactive hegemony known as "The Union" is on good terms with the interstellar empire known as "The Management" when you arrive.

While an effective way to get around, it's worth noting that many galactic tourists who use public transportation on this planet later describe the experience as "quirky," "odd," "bizzarre," "disturbing" or even "fucked up, dude." In Santa Cruz, a town that is often funky enough on foot, this can hold doubly true when utilizing the metro.

Our professional galactic travelers have compiled a small sampling of some of the oddities that you might encounter on the Santa Cruz Metro.

1.) People who can't stop babbling incoherently to complete strangers.

While riding on the 19 express, one of our agents observed a dissheveled earthling boarding the bus and taking a seat next to a youngish human, who was probably attending the local university. The man turned his head towards the student and promptly began to vocalize incoherrently, ending every other phrase or so with "right?." The student nodded nervously at first, but after eventually realizing that the barrage of meaningless verbage and the word "right?" was not likely to cease, he resolved to quietly spend the rest of the ride pretending like there was nobody there. By the time the student had reached his stop (or decided he'd had enough), the talkative man had developed a glazed look in his eye and was drooling. He didn't seem to notice the kid had dissembarked, and kept on talking to the empty chair next to him.

2.) Street people who are overtly racist.

At a bus stop downtown, a pungeant woman of unplaceable age appeared out of nowhere pushing a shopping cart full of clothes and probably dead cats. Upon observing a group of students at the stop, she noted matter of factly that, "You chinks are the reason things are so fucked up around here." An awkward silence ensued for a moment, then the students resolved to burst out laughing until she went away.

3.) People willing to die to ride the bus.

After the metro had just departed from a stop and was picking up considerable speed, a man ran out in front of it. The driver cursed loudly and slammed on the breaks, barely managing to stop in time. The man outside proceeded to the door of the bus, expecting to be let on. The driver opened it and the guy stepped aboard like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. While this was going on the driver was shouting, "What the hell was that? I almost killed you! Hey, get off and wait back at the stop like everybody else."

The guy grunted irritably and stepped out. We resumed driving.

4.) Missing Wives.

The bus pulled up to a stop and a large bearded man proceeded towards the door to get off. Before he exited, he turned to a group of younger passengers from the university who appeared to be enjoying themselves. He looked at them and stated loudly, "I haven't seen my wife in fourteen years!" The kids stopped laughing and having a good time to stare at him. There was, as is characteristic of these encounters, a brief to medium-length awkward pause. "Don't waste your lives!" he announced, then got off. The kids didn't seem to enjoy the remainder of their ride as much as they had been previously.

5.) Carl's Jr Junkies.

A man stepped aboard and realized he might be on the wrong bus. He approached the driver while we were in motion and asked, "Hey, do you stop at Carl's Jr.?" The bus driver glanced over at him with a befuddled look on his face.

"Carl's Jr.? Santa Cruz doesn't even have a-"

"Shit, I'm on the wrong bus. Look, can you take a detour onto Bay Street? I need my Six Dollar Burger."

"No, I can't. And there is no Carl's Jr. in Santa Cruz. I think there's one in Capitolla though."

"Fuck you man, you corporate whore. It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

Though this man was shrouded in enigma, one thing about him was quite obvious: He was white. Around this point the metro arrived at a normal stop.

"Get off my bus." said the driver, much like Harrison Ford in Air Force One.

The Jr. Junkie showed signs of resisting, but once the driver alluded to radioing the police, he decided to leave, running down the street as fast as he could. "Carl's gonna hear about this, bitch!" he shouted as left.
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Well, galactic traveler, that's probably enough to give you a general idea of what it can be like. Just so you know, in case it wasn't obvious, I completely bullshitted the last entry. And the fourth one actually happened in Honollulu. But whatever, the bus is weird. Bye.