Hey Celebrities: Please Shut the Hell Up

I hate celebrity gossip. I don't give a damn about who's humping who in Hollywood, the fact that some actress named her brat kid after a fruit, or how high Tom Cruise managed to jump on Oprah's couch while professing his insane love for What's-Her-Face. Somebody give me one good reason why I should give a rat's ass's pimple about what's going on in the lives of these people, or especially, what they have to say. I don't know them personally, and I sure as hell don't have any reason to trust them. I just see them fairly regularly in the checkout line at Safeway... and in the movies... and on TV.

Even so, it's strange that the things celebrities talk about are so important to people, because I find that you can get better advise and perspective from your parents or maybe the seat of a crapper than you can from Tom Cruise or Justin Timberlake.

For example, we all know, or should I say, we've all been forced to know, about Tom Cruise's ridiculous opinions regarding what a sham the entire field of psychiatry is. Instead, everyone needs to read Dianetics! The answer lies within this text! I agree that the answer does lie within, but only when you've run out of toilet paper. HAHA!!! ZING.

I've pretty much gotten to the point where whenever a celebrity starts to bring politics or religeon into something where it shouldn't be, which is quite common, I just tune out. The other day, I happened to see Justin Timberlake on TV, discussing his part in Janet Jackson's "Wardrobe Malfunction." The interviewer asked the man if he could have done a better job in defending Janet Jackson during her testimony to the FCC. Basically, Justin started trying to articulate a point that didn't really exist by flying circles around the issue at hand and unelloquently attempting to dodge the question. I remember him making some meaningless statement about him being an "artist" who's part of an "artistic community" with "responsibilities." Whatever that means. Then he paused and said, "But you know, when I think about it, I realize that they haven't found the weapons of mass destruction yet..."

This is where I left the room with an acute desire to kick a small dog. Where in God's name does that statement fit into anything? No wonder they haven't found any weapons of mass destruction... They must have already been detonated inside Justin Timberlake's pretty boy brain!

A couple of weeks ago I went to a Santana concert. Before I begin, let me first say that I have enormous respect for Carlos Santana as a musician and from what I know of him, no problem with him as a person. Even so, while the show was great and everything, he still had to go and make out-of-nowhere comments about how much George Bush sucks between a couple of songs, to the immense satisfaction of the majority of the audience. Carlos, I love you man, and I was never a fan of G'dub, but please, shut the hell up and play your guitar. It's what you're good at. I didn't come to this concert for any political commentary. I mean, what the hell was the point of saying that anyway? Based on the resounding shouts of approval that rocketed through the Concord Pavillion that night, you were only preaching to the choir.

So here's my message to celebrities, and I know they're listening (pfff): If you are an actor, act. If you are a musician, musicify- i mean, play music. And if you're an athlete, play ball and lay off the steroids. But don't think that your fame and fortune makes any of you a worthwhile commentator on issues outside your realm of expertise. Just because you can say something that everyone will hear doesn't give you the right to run your mouth regarding things you know nothing more about (or perhaps less) than the average person.

Leave the political commentary to the experts. Like me. Ha.