The Designated Noob

Before I present the following letter which I composed roughly a year ago, allow me to provide a brief backstory.

Last year, some friends of mine created a group on facebook.com that was based entirely around drinking. I joined it grudgingly after being needled continuously to do so. However, once I finally gave in, I was annointed the position of "Designated N00b" by the club's esteemed creators, mostly because I virtually never drink myself stupid. This "promotion" lead me to submit my letter of resignation, which reads as follows:

To Whom it May Concern,

Ahem. As designated N00b, I have perpetually striven to avoid being n00besque when it comes to my drinking. Recently, I undertook a study to find out how to become a Respectable Drinker like the esteemed creator(s) of this group, who either collectively or individually decided to make me the "Designated N00b." I reaped a bountiful amount of knowledge while conducting my research, but unfortunately, it also brought me to the conclusion that I am simply not cut out to be the Manly-Very-Heterosexual Respectable- Drinker that the founders of this group have managed to become.

Still, for those among you who think you may have the potential to be as "MANLY" and "G" and "NOT GAY" as the guy(s) who designated me a n00b, I have compiled a list of the required drinking necessities. Once you have accomplished these things, which I in my infinitite noobity and homosexuality and unmanliness will never achieve, you will walk among the very CHAMPIONS OF ALCOHOL that created this site. Without further ado, here are a few things you need to do to become a Respectable Drinker and a True Heterosexual Manly Man:

1. Drink enough to start yelling everything you have to say.

2. Drink enough to find yourself and your opinions incredibly interesting and start babbling them to girls who must like you now because you’re drunk and incredibly interesting.

3. Drink enough to think nature photos of animals are hot girls making out. (In other words, drink enough to think animals are hot.)

4. Drink enough to start calling your friends faggots.

5. Drink enough to think you can walk through solid objects.

6. Chug a beer and a shot of vodka or five at 2:30 in the evening, just before class. When you get to the lecture hall, sit down in a chair that you didn’t realize already had someone sitting in it. Get the shit beat out of you.

7. Drink enough to claim that you’re not drunk.

8. Drink enough that you wake up next to a crack whore and a salmon. That’s right, a salmon.

9. Vomit. Everywhere. On the floor in the communal bathroom, on the bed, on that girl you like, on yourself, on the dog, on your left eyebrow, on the vomit you already vomited. Real men throw up.

10. Drink enough to pass out and have your slightly less drunk friends draw penises on your face. Real men have their faces covered in penises.

11. Follow every shot of hard liqour with orange soda as a chaser. And have your mommy cut the crust off your peanutbutter sandwhich while you're at it.

12. Drink enough to die. What a hero. What a man. I’ll remember you.

13. Drink enough to forget about items 1 through 11. If you’re lucky, you might even get drunk enough to forget item 12 and somehow return from the grave. Of course, the greatest thing about forgetting everything is that when you sober up, you’ll think you haven’t accomplished any of these things, thus giving you a goal for the next time you drink. You will always have a goal, and thus, your life will always have meaning!

That concludes my list, as well as my tenure here as the "Designated N00b" who never had the ball(z) or the MANLINESS to accomplish any of the above things. To those real men out there who have done these things, and to those who surely will, I am, and will always be, envious to the highest degree. I officially put forward my resignation. Thank you.

-Oliver M. Perez, Designated N00b.