Friends

Here's a little anecdote I've imparted on a few people. It seems to have amused them so I'll write it down here.

The years I spent in junior high were, well... hmm. Can't really think of any single adjective to describe that period in my life. Stupid? Absurd? Shitty? Stupurditty? Yeah, that's it; those sure were some stupurditty times. That's why I don't talk about them. But this particular story is just too priceless not to tell, as it really kind of captures the essence of what life was like for me back then.

One day after lunch period I see a friend of mine walking to class with this other kid I've never met before. Well, just as we pass, this kid turns to me and says, "Hey, Oliver... You're a fucking homo."

Ooookay. I wasn't expecting to be blessed with an explanation as to why this nearly complete stranger had decided to tell me this. I got lucky I guess.

"Yeah, I hear you don't watch Friends. You're fucking gay."

And that was it. We proceeded onward to our seperate classrooms.

If I had to choose one event in my life which spelt out "Irony" with a capital "I," this would be it. If you don't know why the words that were spoken on that fateful day were ironic, than you obviously aren't familiar with the show that is Friends. To increase the "I-Factor" to an even higher level, let it be known that the friend who imparted this amazing young man with the damning information regarding my taste in television quit being my friend on that day as well.

And that's why I fucking hate the show Friends. Fuck that wimpy orgy of flacid humor. Wow, three girls and three guys who are friends, what a fucking concept. I'm being sarcastic, dipweed. It's a contrived, unoriginal premise that you can observe simply by walking into any internet cafe where trendy twenty-something-year-old Manhatten hipsters hang out. Fuck those guys. The blonde one is retarded and thinks she can talk to cats. Whipe my hairy ass, please.



Joey has bitch tits!



That is all.

Girl Power

Sometimes when I'm performing routine tasks, a nerve synapse somewhere in my brain randomly fires and I remember a mostly irrelevant thing from bygone times. Well, that happened just a second ago while I was showering, and it's about to spawn what you're reading at this very moment.

Before the beginning of my freshman year at college, I partook in this thing called "Wilderness Orientation," where a bunch of UCSC students-to-be go hiking for about a week and a half in Yosemite. Prior to disembarking, one of our group leaders, a rather pungent yet knowledgeable young woman with hairier armpits than mine (no damn joke, I'm afraid) briefed us on what we were about to experience.

Suddenly she brought up the subject of menstruation. As she put it, the ladies of the group were going to have to be extra "prepared" because they might deviate from their normal cycles. This was mainly because the strain of the trail tends to coax out a bunch of sweaty girl pheromones or something. Well, as little as this applied to me, I guess this was a fairly relevant matter to bring up. But what really caught my attention was her following statement.

"This phenomenon just goes to show the power of female camraderie."

Um... I'm sorry, but is that the best you've got, lady? When women join forces they can bleed together? I think she was selling her gender short. I mean, according to her, while groups primarily dominated by men had got together in the past and

-Engineered powered flight
-Sent people to the moon
-Journeyed to the center of the Earth?
and
-Supported the economy of San Diego by attending the annual Comicon,

the most prominant thing she could attribute to women was the ability to have their periods in perfect harmony much like some menstrual barbershop quartet. Well... shucks. Being male, I really feel like I'm missing out. Feminists: 1. Olivonius: 0.