The Astoundingly Brilliant YouTube Review Forum Highlight Reel

If a reporter walked up to people on the street in 1957 and asked them what they expected the future to hold in fifty years, they'd probably suggest something along the lines of interstellar travel, flying cars, tubes as a form of public transport, robots that run on punch cards, and the Russians flying hijacked jets into the World Trade Center and an inept president who should have seen it coming. Commie bastards.

Sorry 1950s people. We ain't got none of that shit, yo. What do we have? Well, we do have the internet. I don't think there are any real predictions of the world wide web in science fiction because its not very exciting, at least not outwardly. It doesn't hover or shoot lasers or become self aware and try to kill you. At least not yet. But it does have YouTube. Who could have predicted this magnificent website? Not even Asimov. Now practically any middle class citizen can share a piece of his or her creative glory or boobs with the click of a mouse and nary the snap of a nerve synapse.

Only one thing can top the collective brilliance of YouTube, and that would have to be the "Comments and Responses" column, where the quality and worthiness of your video contribution to mankind can be judged by people from all walks of life. Instead of going on like this, I'll let this miracle of the internet speak for itself with some prime USDA Choice examples. We'll start with a brief discussion of the video-in-review, followed by user made comments.

Video 1: Laugh at the Fat Kid
http://youtube.com/watch?v=b_qYKCc9m0A

Synopsis: This gem expounds upon the struggles of an overweight elementary school kid whose Nanna gorges him on bacon and hohos every morning. The way it shows blatant cutaways of this kid being made fun of in some scenes and being vaguely looked at by kids in others is pretty incredible. Plus, the dialog is amazing. My favorite lines are "Ambient Sounds of Children Playing in the Background." and "Overweight Child Panting in PE" and "Black Kid Who Barks Like a Dog." (No, really, I can't make up this shit. He's in there.) The only thing more life changing than this video are the comments.

Choice YouTube Criticism:

"Now i am angry, sure kids are obest [sic] nowadays but they shouldn't be treated the way they do. I remember beging [sic] smashed from behind and such in highschool [sic] and all the harrassment [sic] in grade. This stuff must stop, stop making fun of overweight kids or you will probobly [goddammit, sic] be the parent of one and see how badly they are treated. It is all true in the video speed girls [wtf?] and all you got it across that obest [seriously?] children are not as well-fit for life as some skin-bag [hot] but they still deserve some respect."

-Blackboarder77

This bit of insight hits home quite hard. As a young pre-adolescent, I was a bit of a chub-chub myself, and nothing stung more than the cuts and jives of those video speed girls. During recess, when they weren't out killing the radio star or tuning the Mach 5, it was all, "Your blocking the sun, Fatty," and "Hey, why don't you rent out advertising space to Goodyear?" Damn those video speed girls! How I so very badly wanted to be well-fit like them. However, I can proudly say that with some exercise and a proper diet, I have come a long way. That's right ladies, your looking at the hunkiest skin-bag in town.

Blackboarder also makes an excellent point; cutting edge research in genetics has shown that making fun of fat kids activates a common but otherwise dormant gene that increases the likelihood of having obest, er.., obese children. FACT.

Video 2: The Old Negro Space Program
http://youtube.com/watch?v=T6xJzAYYrX8

Synopsis: This here is a hilarious parody of any given Ken Burns style documentary. The premise is that in the 1950s, black people started their own space program because NASA was whites-only. It really is very funny, but the comments may have it beat.

Choice YouTube Criticism:

"is this for real?"

-Themanwhowilllayout2

What a ridiculous question. Of course its real. Back then, black people strapped rocket engines to Cadillac DeVilles and school buses and went to the moon all the time. Don't you watch the history channel or at least BET?

"niggers"

-tduffysd

Oooh, that was pretty racy, tduffysd! I donno man, you're really walking "the line" with that one! Way to push the moral envelope of our self-imposed societal construct of right and wrong or some bullshit. Thank God for YouTube; not only can those whom are desperately starved for attention and brain power vie for some much needed internet notoriety, they can do it by typing seven letters and clicking a single button... and be met with success! Here are some responses to our buddy tduffy.

"A man reveals his character through every word he utters. Those that advocate hate are emotionally, spiritually, and mentally under developed. No man with true wisdom, knowledge, and... blah blah blah blah- (oh God, someone's actually paying attention to that idiot)."

-16sag7

As you can see, an intriguing debate is about to enfold, one that will surely inundate our brains with some mind-broadening yet divisive perspectives. Once again, YouTube proves itself to be the battleground where the best and brightest of the quasi-internet savvy square off in a cage match of wits. Not convinced yet? Tduffy's response to 16sag7's poignant words will make a believer out of you. Without further ado:

"blow me you tree huggin liberal."

-tduffysd

And a decisive barrage of impeccable logic and reasoning shoots forth from the brilliant mind of tduffysd! Two points for tduffy! Yes, there you go... one finger, two fingers... yes that's two! Two points! Way to go, champ.

Video 3: The Meaning of Christmas
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mx9sXFGvPnU&feature=related

Synopsis: Featured in this video are a man and woman wearing Santa hats, speaking with fake Irish accents and expounding upon how much the 2008 republican presidential candidates suck. Since the last thing I want to do is get political, I'll just say that this thing was pretty boring regardless of who you plan on voting for and leave it at that. I got a kick out of some of the comments, though.

Choice YouTube Criticism:

"I wanna piss in his santa hat. In fact I wanna piss all over him."

-kukeninummen


Okay, well, either you mean this man severe disrespect, or he turns you on and you've got some pretty deviant little fetishes floating around in that naughty head of yours. Whatever, bud. Just keep it to yourself.

"Jeez guy, you sound upset. Perhaps instead of focusing your anger on the republicans you could direct it at me, as you have probably heard it was I that violently blasted a piping hot load of radioactive jizz across your late mothers forehead accidently [sick!] burning layers of surface flesh. To be honest I thought she looked silly with a boiling heap of my jizz bubbling on her exposed cranium."

-MightySaturn5

Dude. Wow. If you thought she looked silly with your jizz on her exposed cranium, then why did you put it there? I swear, some people have no sense of aesthetics. And you've got radioactive spunk, eh? Neat, does it glow in the dark? Now crime scene investigators won't even have to get out the black light.

Well, that's about all I can take for now, so until next time, keep on trucking, and I'll keep on 'Tubing for the very best it has to offer.

Estragon, Existential Space Commando

I'll get the less entertaining part out of the way first, as I imagine it will only enhance what follows.

As a final assignment in the same acting class I mentioned in the last post, we had to act out a scene from a famous play entitled Waiting for Godot. Here's the play in a nutshell: two bums, Estragon and Vladimir, both whom have slightly lost their minds, gibber about in the middle of nowhere by a tree, and are faced with a severe existential quandary. They continually forget things and have bizarre, often unintelligible conversations. The most concrete thing about the play is that they're apparently waiting for a man named Godot, who is commonly interpreted by viewers as a personification of the "meaning" to their existence. Of course, (SPOILER ALERT) the guy never shows up.

As part of the assignment, I had to contrive a character background for the guy I was playing in my designated scene, who happened to be Estragon. Since the play says next to nothing about the main characters' backgrounds, I took my liberties with it. ENJOY!

Estragon
Character Analysis

Estragon was born Estragondrus-19 in the year 2293 aboard a Type-8 Orion Alliance Infantry Cloning Station, orbiting the planet Galactigus Nine in the Tau Ceti system. As the nineteenth clone of one of the Orion Alliance’s most elite space commandoes, Estragondrus-19 emerged from his replication tubule a natural born soldier and killer. While he was gestating, a scene from the late 20^th century summer blockbuster hit, The Rock, was subliminally channeled into his ocular and auditory nerves over and over again. This scene involved a large black man accosting Nicolas Cage with a knife and saying, “I gon’ take pleasure in guttin' you… boy.”

The artificial amniotic fluid had barely been washed off when the station came under attack by a fleet of Deathcruisers, sent by the Coalition of Kargon. At the first impact of a neutrino missile, Estragondrus’ subliminal space commando programming kicked in, and he leapt into an escape pod. By hacking the pod’s autopilot computer, he managed to redirect the tiny spacecraft on a collision course with a particularly weak area of an enemy ship’s hull, the location of which, like so much other knowledge of the enemy, had been programmed into him before birth.

The particular vessel which he happened to collide with was in fact the enemy fleet’s flagship, and the escape pod actually crashed into the Admiral’s quarters, where Admiral Blotcroch was engaged in a Kargonian mating ceremony with one of his many concubine larvae. The ship’s automatic force fields activated to prevent a decompression event, but by that point it was too late: the one man killing force that was Estragondrus was already aboard. Leaping from the ruined pod (still completely naked as people tend to be shortly after being born), he quickly landed a decisive kick to Blotcroch’s Jergrubular Lobe, the most vulnerable part of the Kargonian anatomy. He did this even before Blotcroch could remove his igraculous from his concubine’s larandranon. The maneuver caused the Kargonian Admiral to light on fire and explode into gooey little bits, which of course, due to the nature of Kargonian collective consciousness, caused all other subordinate Kargonians within twelve parsecs to immediately light on fire and explode as well. This dealt a serious blow to the evil Coalition of Kargon, and within two months, the Kargonians offered their unconditional surrender to the Orion Alliance.

This is how, at the age of 38 minutes, Estragondrus-19 became humanity’s number one hero. The Interstellular Senate awarded him three of the highest honors that one could earn in service of the Alliance, including the Senatorial Medal of Jergrubular Lobe Exploitation, which is awarded to soldiers who successfully land a punch or round-house kick to a high ranking Kargonian’s Jergrubular Lobe (limit one per person, void where prohibited).

While it was a policy of the military that no clone soldier ever meet his originator, the original Estragondrus, who had retired from service a decade before and changed his name to Vladimiroid to hide his identity, came out of the woodwork and insisted that he be allowed to meet his heroic twin. Given the circumstances, a military tribunal decided to make an exception to their policy, and allowed the two to meet in a heartfelt ceremony atop the Eiffel Tower in France, the capital of Earth, where they stood hand in hand far above heaving masses of revelers. Many were surprised and befuddled by the fact that, though they were clones, the two didn’t look all that similar.

The pair became fast friends, and together they opened their own restaurant chain, Low Orbit Fondue, a series of family oriented fondue restaurants positioned in geosynchronous orbit over such galactic hotspots as Earth, Tau Ceti 8, Beevonius 12, Jupiter’s moon Io, and of course Uranus. They also had a small drive-in-only location in south Detroit. Low Orbit Fondue gained particular notoriety thanks to their unique Zero-G Tuesdays, on which any diner could request to have his or her booth’s gravity generator disabled, allowing them to sample fondue from a giant bubble of floating fondue as opposed to a fondue pot. Fondue!

Then, disaster struck. It all began when humanity made first contact with an irritating yet admittedly friendly race of aliens called blukbluks. The newfound extraterrestrials immediately displayed a penchant for traveling about in huge spacebus loads to tour the new and fascinating human corner of the universe. Typically during this period, any establishment that they found interesting would often wind up overrun in the blink of an eye as they swarmed about and took transdimensional photos (which tend to induce nausea in most humans) of even the most mundane objects, and excreted large amounts of flatulence due to their inability to properly digest human food. Furthermore, they seemed to have no concept of currency exchange or tipping for that matter, and usually insisted upon paying for their meals and souvenir trinkets in “Blukbucks.” Estragondrus, following one particularly harrowing blukbluk raid on his restaurant during which he vomited eight times as a result of exposure to blukbluk “photo opportunities,” was heard to have said, “I fucking hate blukbluks.”

One day, during a particularly nasty influx of blukbluk tourists, a doddering older blukbluk with pink hair decided to order the curry dish. Normally the smell of curry was offensive to the average blukbluk, but this particular specimen had lost her sense of smell in an accident involving a photocopier, and so decided to “go out on a limb.”

To make a long story short, the isometric alkaline compounds found within the curry caused a quantum waveform collapse in the subatomic particles which comprised the silica based gastrointestinal tract of the dining alien, leading to a resonance cascade of rogue neutrinos throughout the dermal layer which instigated a chain reaction in the flagellum matrix. This subsequently rended a five meter hole in the fabric of space-time. Estragondrus and Vladimiroid, along with a nearby bluckbluck named Pozzpozz and his slave pigaloid, Luckinominikus’tipleetay, were consumed by the temporal vortex before it closed three minutes later.

The four flew through a spiraling wormhole of undulating colors and special effects that an LSD enthusiast could only dream of. In the distance they spotted a bright light, constituting the other end of the vortex. Just before they reached it, however, the portal dissolved and they found themselves standing in a plain looking office, occupied by three harried old men sitting behind a long desk. Outside the otherwise mundane windows of the room, they could see the void of outer space. The old men informed the bizarre posse that they were Universal Auditors, and their job was prevent space-time paradoxes and catastrophes. If the group arrived in the past unhindered, which is where the vortex was taking them, they would most likely upset the delicate balance of the space time continuum by purposefully or inadvertently changing something, causing the universe to collapse in on itself and be obliterated due to the ensuing paradox.

The Auditors, knowing that it was only within their powers to restrain the hapless time travelers in their office for a matter of minutes, quickly formulated the best solution they could. To prevent a catastrophic paradox, our heroes would have their memories wiped and replaced for the time being, and be dropped in an abandoned rural area of America in their temporal destination, somewhere about the year 1935. Due to the low level of traffic that traveled through the designated region, and the lack of important landmarks and resources in the area, the Auditors were 98.22% sure they could withhold them without an accidental triggering of a space-time paradox until they figured a way to rectify the situation.

The final precautions that the Auditors had to take were to change their names and identities, transmogrify the two aliens into human form (easier than it looks), and temporarily remove memories and certain areas of higher brain function so that the time travelers would not stray from their temporal “quarantine zone.” This is how Estragondrus-19 became Estragon, or Gogo, how Vladimiroid became Vladimir, or Didi, how Pozzpozz became Pozzo, and how his slave pigaloid Luckinominikus’tipleetay became Lucky. This is also how they wound up as a bunch of confused, seemingly lobotomized bums who consistently return to the same spot every day and can’t remember where they were twenty four hours ago.

After being stuck in the quarantine zone for many years now, somewhere in the minds of the two humans, a faint memory of the Auditor’s promise seems to linger. Before modifying their minds, the Auditors promised that some day they would figure out a way to replicate a reverse time portal and send them all back to the future. At this point the travelers would also be reequipped with their memories and higher brain functions. Until that day, they’d just have to wait. As the Auditors then proceeded to erase their memories, one of the old men sneezed, making a noise sounding something like, “Gah, Gah, GADOUGGGH!” And this is why they insist that they are waiting for a man named Godot.

Masterpiece Theater, With Master P

Here's an assignment I had to take care of for this introductory acting class I'm taking. The idea was to critique an actor in a professional play.

Actor Critique
Professional Production
“The Weir”
Oliver Perez

Ah yes, The Theater! Where the human condition is often imitated with such gusto and alacrity that the audience transcends their seats and is transplanted forthwith into the world of the stage! Hello! Hello, and welcome… welcome to the realm of the theater, or more accurately, the realm of theater criticism. I am your host, Oliver Perez, scientist, musician, member of the American Bar Association, medical doctor, equestrian, pedestrian, and thespian.

Indeed, today’s review involves a delightful production of “The Weir,” a play which takes place in a small Irish town near the river for which the show is named. In this tale, an amicable young woman from Dublin has left her life in the big city and relocated to this quaint rural hamlet. At a tavern, she begins to become acquainted with the locals, who after “droinkin’ a fyoo points,” begin to inundate her with some of the town’s popular local folklore, all of which pertains to supernatural occurrences. That’s right: Ghost Stories. OOOOOOWEEEEEEEEYOOOOOO! However, after a few chilling tales are passed her way, she totally rips the locals a new asshole with her own ghostly story. Jesus Christ, she gave those Oyrish tits a run for their money! WOOOOWEEE! By the way, UC Santa Cruz, that was a joke: I have nothing against the Irish, and I don’t think they’re tits, okay? Okay. Anyhoot, I enjoyed this play thoroughly, as it provoked in me such chills and thrills that I nearly had to lay at my bedside for a fortnight! Tally ho, pip pip cheerio, quite right gov’nor, etc.!

The character of Valerie was played magnificently. I think she portrayed the common human situation of being introduced to a new setting and unfamiliar people, and then gradually opening up to them, quite beautifully. I was very much convinced. Furthermore, I must hand it to all the actors, as they did a very descent job of starting off the play sober and gradually moving to a slightly sloshed state.

Valerie’s tension was a huge part of what made her performance. She starts off in an unfamiliar state, and this tension shows appropriately, though she accounts for the fact that her character is not naturally introverted. Then, when she finally becomes comfortable enough to unleash her own tale, her tension returns tenfold. A professional job and well executed. Bravo, I say. Bravo!

Her concentration was marvelous. Fantastic! Magnificent! Not a moment went by where her mental fortuity did falter and crash upon that dastardly rocky shore of Shitty Acting. Since this is a play where stories are told, she did have to spend a lot of time “listening.” This could be a pitfall for some, but not for her. BRAVISSIMO! THAT’S UH-ONE SPICY MEATBALL OF AN ACTRESS! Hey, UC Santa Cruz, that was a joke too. I respect women, and do not view them as pieces of meat. Let the record show. Thanks. :)

When it came to her breathing, I honestly can’t remember much. I guess that means it was good.

As for her resonance, what can I say? It was a tour de force of the human spirit! I mean, you think Jarred Fogle and his Subway diet are inspiring? Fuck that guy. Resonance, baby. She came in loud and clear like a hi-fidelity noise making device of some kind. The way she presented the climax of her story, turned out towards the audience and presenting it in full force to the house, no, to me, was moving. I felt like the San Andreas fault in 1989. Shit, sorry, UC Santa Cruz, according to Wikipedia, 63 people died in that earthquake. I guess I can’t weasel out of this one; that was genuinely politically incorrect. Please, be my guest and protest me. Just do it. I deserve it.

Right, so where was I? Ah yes, given circumstances. The actor was simply mired in them. That’s a good thing. I mean, she just had this air of being a person in a new place, out of her element, with a dark past just itching to be exposed. Even though it was never explicitly suggested until the middle of the play, I could just feel that she had a secret.

Anyway, I’d have to say that this play constituted a night well spent. I say, Bravo. Bravo indeed. Where are my crumpets?